so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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