I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
