i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
