Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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