They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
