I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
