Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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