dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
