I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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