found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
