You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
