I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize