My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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