Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize