she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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