dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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