Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
