I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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