i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
