I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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