ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He? As in you personified your dick?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
