bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she woke up with a sticky ear
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
