Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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