if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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