I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
