Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I touched a dick in church today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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