The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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