I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
