Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
why do cheetos always look like penises
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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