I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
