you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
