I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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