I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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