At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
