apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
