I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
