I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
