My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
