wakey wakey hands off snakey
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
