remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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