mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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