I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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