I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
