so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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