Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
