Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
