Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
