Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
