she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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