She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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