upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
