hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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