How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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