she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize