Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
