Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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