walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
