I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize