and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
